Bloom. My word for 2020.
Over these past few months, my word has been breathe. One day at a time. One decision at a time. Just breathe, and be present. How ironic that I end the year coming off an illness that has slightly impaired my ability to breathe easily? HA! Nonetheless, those seven letters have guided me through.
Honestly, it felt as if I entered a new year upon celebration of completing my first year in LA. 365 days of riding the highs of everything new. It was a high, for sure. And, what a high to wake up at the beginning of my third decade in the place that I aspired to be for all ten years of the last one?
Despite living in a city where the term “seasons” doesn’t seem to apply, I feel as though I have experienced many of my own. Instead of leaves changing color, it was seeing true colors. Instead of snow falling, it was falling into the places I needed to be when I needed to be there. Instead of sunny days, it was- wait. Never mind. There was- and continues to be- a fair share of those.
I’ve already recounted those highs of the last year in my anniversary blog post Year One and (Not) Done, so this isn’t going to be a recap.
You already get it- I crossed the continent with the mission to explore my purpose. Really, to figure out who the hell I am, what I can do with that to help others, and what brings ME joy.
So, how was it that I woke up one day and realized that I didn’t like the words coming out of my mouth? That I no longer felt like I was living MY truth? That my motivation was gone and I was going through the motions and I was reaching and reaching and couldn’t seem to break the surface with even the tip of my longest finger?
One minute, everything was fine. And the next? I wasn’t happy in my happiest place. There was a tremendous disconnect, and I didn’t know where I had lost myself.
Meanwhile, the universe started sending me signs. With a chuckle and one eye roll after another, I ignored them. Until I received one that I couldn’t ignore.
I thought one of my greatest fears was being stuck in an elevator. Being trapped anywhere and having no control over my escape. If the doors didn’t open within a second, I always held my breath and felt my heart rate elevate even the slightest. However, what I experienced as I headed to work one morning was far worse than being stuck.
In one second, the doors were enclosing me in the small space which I occupied alone. In the next, something wasn’t right. From the 11th floor, the elevator was falling, and it didn’t stop until floor 7. I must have imagined it. The door would open, someone would get on, and we’d both reach the bottom just fine. Surely, I was exhausted, stressed, and probably delusional from the combination. Except the doors didn’t open. The elevator fell to the 6th floor and came to another harsh pause. Then the 5th where it stayed long enough for my brain to command my frozen body to react. I pressed the help, alarm and open door buttons frantically with fear that too much movement would cause the elevator to resume the descent.
Thankfully, the door was pried open for me within minutes, and I stumbled down the stairs with shaky footing and a stomach full of knots. That elevator was down for weeks, and I was climbing 11 floors for many nights. The anxiety was manifesting as physical symptoms all throughout my body. My legs felt like they were going to give out any minute. My head was always elsewhere with a memory almost nonexistent. Chest pains caught me off guard and interrupted any laughter. Nothing made sense. How did I get here when I kept saying that I would put myself and my health first?
“I’ve pushed so many limits with my body. A little too far on more than one occasion.”
My own words from september.
Yet, here I was in October. Not stuck- falling.
Discovering, facing, accepting and being honest about your own toxicity is hard. How long and how much was I affecting those around me? How many toxic behaviors did I make seem ok? Depleting myself. Isolating myself. Not. Choosing. Me. Over and over again until I gave in and admitted that I needed outside help to learn how. Help in refocusing me on my purpose after it faded into the background of poorly articulated routines.
I’m enthusiastic about entering 2020, and this new decade, while deep in a vision of discovery and evolution. Up to my nose in learning and unlearning. Finally listening to the signs that are moving me yet again.
Instead of goals and resolutions, my focus is on how I speak to myself, and this is what I’m saying:
“Yes” to what inspires and heals
“I will” instead of “I should”
“No” in the form of boundaries and self respect
“I’m so proud of you” to even the smallest victories
“I know you’re scared, but you’re also capable” when in doubt
“It’s ok to pause” when exhausted
“You’re safe” when anxious
“You’re loved as you are right now by the people who matter” when feeling lonely
“You feel everything very deeply, and it’s ok if it’s heavy. You can put it down” when it gets overwhelming
And lastly- “stop eating peanut butter from the jar” Just kidding, that’s mean.
Per usual, I’m choosing to avoid new year expectations (except for kicking this sickness OUT). Wishing without working is energy wasted, and I’d rather the work lead to something I didn’t necessarily see coming. But, I will make the promise to myself that my “2nd choice word” - CREATE - will assist in getting me there.
With overwhelming gratitude for every step of the last decade, I send it off so I may BLOOM in the mostunexpected ways.
Happy 2020!
trainliketaylor@gmail.com
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