It’s been a Monday (because that’s the day I wrote this. Two Mondays ago). Not a typical Monday as of late in which who knows where in the city of LA and beyond I’ll end up. Instead, a Monday I desperately needed to spend at home catching up with domestic life. Dishes, laundry, groceries, bedroom cleaning and food prepping. I did it all, and am ready to resume another round of only being home to eat, shower, sleep and rise for the next days- or weeks- ahead.
I’m damn proud of myself for making it through each day lately to the best of my abilities. To pause when I need to and to hustle when I can without frustration or downplay of my weaknesses. To simply do my best to carry on from one moment to the next.
So much of this energy that I wished for for so long- well, I found the secret to it. If you follow me on other platforms (aka only IG at this point), you may see me post frequently about attending Hot 8 Yoga classes. You might even hear me whining about possibly dying or celebrating having not died in class from one morning to the next. But, truthfully, it’s been my saving grace. The amount of energy I’ve sustained from attending even a few classes at a time has been a tremendous improvement in my life quality. I was terrified at first because I never do well in heat. And, classes frighten me because of how my physical abilities are not to the standard I wish they were. I’m currently not the girl who can crank out 30 regular push ups without blinking an eye anymore. Six maybe. Not 30.
I never know what my challenge is going to be from one class to the next. Low energy. High blood sugar. Mentally struggling to get out of bed to uber to class.
I started off so strong. My first class was the most difficult offered at the studio. Throughout my initial free first week, I soaked up all seven days- even if I was counting down to what I thought was my last one. I don’t remember the last time I had the energy I did then. Walking with an eager bounce in my step and having to negotiate stopping for the day to go to bed. I was scared but thrilled and decided to commit to a membership. I needed this for a multitude of reasons.
This was in January and here we are. May has officially kicked off. I’ve had my strong moments where it was just part of my lifestyle. I’d get up before work and go without thinking much of it. Trying new classes, meeting new instructors, smiling when they’d greet me by name at the front desk or call me out in class to cheer me on. This has been the strongest (physically and mentally) that I’ve felt since years ago when I first experienced my physical strength crashing down.
My favorite workout became barre. It was the kind of workout I was most familiar with. Fast movement yoga. Less breathing into the pose and more trying to breathe. I have my favorite instructors, and am learning to let go of fears and expectations every time they encourage the class to take things at their own pace. To honor having an off day or struggling in the heat. To accept that I already did my best by just showing up.
I learned to breathe through the heat, made peace with being covered head to toe in sweat before class even started, and got called one of the best beginners in one of the most difficult classes. I was doing hot yoga in Beverly Hills, and everything was rainbows and sunshine.
I finally had a life back before hitting a lull for a while. I think it was sickness that slowed me down or something that initially broke my flow (pun intended). However, everytime I felt ready to go back, I’d book class and set my alarm only to be paralyzed from going. I’d turn off the alarm without opening my eyes, unable to will myself out of bed. I’d face the tremendous guilt and fear while aching for the energy I'd gained back. I knew it was available to me yet it was just beyond my finger tips. I’d go to one class and be ever so proud of myself only to struggle for weeks to go again. I’d hit a wall. Felt defeated. Crushed.Trapped. I started to fall back into a place similar to where I was before coming out to LA. Unable to wake up from a fog. Unable to focus and be present. Just distant. Yet, I was still happy. But I wasn’t. Caught so evenly in the middle that it likely wasn’t apparent I was struggling.
I’m not totally sure when I started to finally show up again. It was one class at a time. Little by little. Pushing myself out of bed and quitting the negative self talk. Changed it to “Bitch this is your favorite class! (Instructor) will be so excited to see you and welcome you. You love this fucking class and you’re totally capable of getting there this morning.”
What helped for sure was finding what I call my sweet spots. Going to later classes on my days off when I was more awake and able to be caffeinated. 10:30am is one. I recently went to a 5pm class and loved that as well. It took a couple rounds to get drawn back in, addicted to the accomplishment and regaining satisfaction in my practice.
Now, May is happening, and my studio is doing a 30 day challenge. Yoga every day for 30 days. Showing up. Every. Single. Day. I was excited at the commitment like a kid on Christmas. I bought a fitness journal and new (84 oz) water bottle to inspire my commitment. My concerns have grown as the month got closer. Both wrists have been making some of my favorite classes a struggle. There’s a sharp pain in my hip that has me limping often. I'm nauseous when I first wake up (and not even taking my metformin, ugh).
What if I wear myself out early on?
What if my blood sugars keep me from going?
What if I get frustrated and give up and face the looming self doubt due to reasons beyond my control?
I’m working through the process of eliminating those thoughts even in the positive state which I always seem to appear. I’ve decided to tackle this from one class to the next. From one flow, one pose, one breath. Not two seconds ahead and not two seconds in the past. This is beyond a physical challenge for me. That concerns me the least.
I’m ever so grateful for the accountability alongside me, and cannot wait to see what insight this challenge will give me regarding myself, my practice and my abilities. Cheers to greater fitness, more energy and honestly the strongest finger nails I’ve had in my life (seriously).
I'll be keeping the 'Gram (@trainliketaylor) updated with daily accountability pics and cannot wait to share my progress, accomplishments and regularly scheduled hot mess moments.
Also, don’t forget to check out my new strictly diabetes focused IG @typeoneliketaylor where I’m doing a mini post challenge about that journey at the moment.
Now, as I walk home from the studio early in the evening, I’m writing this through a voice memo as I finally could feel the words come together. People are watching me talk into my phone as if nearly every other person out here doesn’t do it on a daily basis. There’s a bounce in my step. I’m loose. I feel all of the good I'm manifesting.
I'm ready.
trainliketaylor@gmail.com
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