One & (Not) Done- My First Year in LA

365 days. 8760 hours. 525600 minutes since go.

What a ride. I’ve been giddy with excitement over this milestone for the past month. So much reflecting. Many moments of trying to organize my thoughts. I feel like I’ve already summed up the essential parts of this journey in previous posts, so I’ll try my best to keep it fresh.

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Everything has changed.

I have this little life out here that’s all my own. My favorite places. My routines. No one to blame but myself when I run out of toilet paper or only have eggs and mayo in my fridge (bless Postmates). There are people who know me better than I knew myself a year ago. I’ve socialized more in this one year than all previous years combined. I can actually pick up the phone while it’s still ringing. I’ve crossed paths with some incredible human beings, introduced myself to people I thought I’d only ever see on TV and been witness to magical moments DAILY which cannot be described. Only felt.

Ah, the places I’ve been- from Disneyland to Malibu and Las Vegas to San Diego. No place particularly far in distance yet each has been a tremendous leap for my soul. Same continent, but an entirely different world. Again, thoughts and feelings that remain unparalleled by any combination of words.

I’m beyond blessed to get out of bed every morning and to have every single day be different. I can be so deep in exhaustion, but a type I’ve never really experienced (and I’ve experienced many types). A kind where I stand up and my eyes can barely open and my legs feel weak and my whole body is off balance. A muscle or 5 is probably aching in some way it wasn’t yesterday. I’m not sure how I’ll make my mile walk to work. I’m a little delusional, can barely get out two sentences before I forget what I’m saying and am likely attempting to speak with every inanimate object I come into contact with. But, I can’t stop. I don’t want to miss a minute of this life. I don’t want to say no to anything- even when I’m whispering to myself “eyes open” while I’m walking.

The night before I started gathering these reflections, I went to my own blog. I read everything. I cried remembering difficult feelings. I laughed because sometimes my humor and my snark is so appropriately timed. I rolled my eyes thinking “did I really need to say it like that?” And, I got chills realizing “wow. I actually wrote that?!” This journey has been crafted from moments and opportunities that I’ve been unknowingly manifesting for years. I live for the times where something clicks whether it be seconds, minutes or days later and I have this moment of “Whoa. I asked for this.” Even if I didn’t get it exactly as I asked for it, I got it in a more realistic way for the needs of MY journey.

As I mentioned, some of my previously shared thoughts struck me. Sent chills down my back. Like the post I wrote just three days before I took flight:

Maybe my destiny is similar to that of Penny from the Big Bang Theory. Maybe I won’t exactly get my “big break,” but I won’t end up on a path not meant for me either. Penny ended up with a solid job in pharmaceuticals and was (or seemed to be) content with a life that diverged from her vision. Either way, she moved to Cali from a small town, and she made it. Small town girl moves to big city makes for some of the best stories.

I’m exactly Penny. Well, ok, Penny had more of an initial plan. And she was a hoe. But, I guess I did get my own “big break.” Yeah. I did. And in a much shorter amount of time.

Ugh. I remember being the girl sitting at the dining room table, writing of my dreams and desires but still holding back because what if I couldn’t do it? Now? Well, now I feel like that girl was something from the fiction I used to write. Which strikes me as odd seeing as this life is the closest I’ll ever get to what fiction Taylor had. Remember the manifesting I just spoke of? Exactly.

One year ago, I had absolutely NO idea of a single detail that lay ahead. You may remember that I came here without a plan. The only plan that resembled any kind of plan was where I was staying for the first 10 days. And, for the first two months, I stayed in FIVE different places before coming full circle to reside one building away from where I first landed. There was the basically empty apartment with the sweet Dutch couple, the hollywood pad, the shack, the normal and super minimal apartment where I recovered from said shack, and the psychic lady with the cat who told me way too much about her sex life with Robin Williams. I took it all day by day and tried my best to laugh when realizing what wonderful content this was making for the memoir I’ve always been determined to write.

I did it, though. I found a landing spot.

Somehow, every day is mostly sunshine and palm trees and unicorns and glitter (for real), yet I’ve still experienced my share of fear, frustration, self doubt, and overwhelming panic. It’s hard to admit that my health has suffered more than I would like. I have no one on my case. I haven’t put it first as one with a chronic illness should. I’ve pushed so many limits with my body. A little too far on more than one occasion. There have still been days sprinkled throughout where I didn’t want to leave my bed and face my personal looming list of chores. I’ve let an abundance of new people in and introduced them to this more energetic and confident version of myself, yet I’ve been quick to shut out anyone who I thought wouldn’t understand or except the ways I’ve evolved. And, I’ve been unforgettably wounded by words and actions from other beings whom I believed in and cared deeply for.

It’s just life. I’ve learned to move on fast. To not take anything too seriously. And, to accept that it’s ok to just “wing it.” I’m sure you’ve heard it as many times as I have:

No one really knows what they’re doing.

Fuck, that’s unbelievably true. Each day holds at least one experience that’s never confronted me before. A new task. A challenge. Something to figure out on the spot- like what to do in one of the biggest Earthquakes that CA has had in YEARS.

It’s happening more and more every day recently. And, I think of the days where I was so confident I’d never be able to handle things thrown at me by surprise. Where I believed I’d never be able to just do without thinking it 1000x over first. Well, actually I still do that. Where I could never handle making a mistake. Well, I can tell you that I’ve made mistakes. Small ones. Sizeable ones. So many mistakes with hard lessons I never would have learned unless I made them.

As I sat on my bedroom floor on the night that I was reading over my own words and reflections, I put my phone down. I realized that I am now in the best state of mental health than ever before. And, I have a whole new love and appreciation for myself and my capabilities. All of those lessons have given me the tools to be where I’m at. I have more balance. I stopped bouncing from extreme highs to extreme lows and instead everything just flows and coasts. Less hurdles, more speed bumps. I let toxicity leave on it’s own, and I know what I’m worth and am learning to use my big words to show it.

Everyone is telling me to slow down. That I need a day off. *Insert excessively dramatic eye roll* I’m sure those days will come. But, please trust me that this is best for my soul. I am more than fine, and I always make sure of that. Right now, I want to say yes to everything possible. I’ve spent enough time sitting at home resting and feeling disconnected from an entire planet. It’s never as healthy for me as anyone assumes.

To say that I’ve been blessed through out this entire journey is such an understatement. Like, tremendous. It would be unrealistic to ask for better people to walk into my life. A year ago, I didn’t even want to be around myself, and now I’m more ok than ever with letting other people around me, too. Because I finally found energy that matches my own. I have late night phone calls and facetimes and the most fulfilling conversations. I can hardly believe most of these people walked into my life- or I walked into theirs- about a year ago. One “yes” opened up an entire world of possibility, lessons, friendships, and adventure for me. With more belief in me than I’ve ever given myself, these phenomenal beings assisted in blessing me with an indescribable year and an abundance of personal growth. One where every day I’m a little different than the one before. And that’s become my goal- to learn something in even the slightest way that keeps me from being the same person I was yesterday.

I could go on and on until my heart physically exploded from my chest (because I’m sure that’s medically possible at this point), BUT I must include the three most important lessons that this year has provided me:

Trust timing. Don’t force anything. The universe will always give you what you need when it’s meant for you. It’s mind boggling to look back on the previous year compared to now. It felt like a tremendous amount of wasted time. BUT, the timing of my take off was essential. The events of every day since have been equally important. If this didn’t happen then that wouldn’t have. If I had been here instead of there then I wouldn’t be here. If I had only worked 5 days instead of 7 then I would have missed (insert celebrity here). Ya feel?

Be honest. Be honest about your needs. Be honest about needing more guidance. Share your intentions and don’t fuck around with other people’s time and energy. Be honest with yourself and let toxicity go before it gets the best of you. In people. In places. When you’re honest, you’ll learn who really has your back.

If you can’t beat fear, do it scared. Before I made the move, fear had me paralyzed. Even the smallest daily tasks from grocery shopping to finishing school required energy beyond what I could offer. My fears and anxieties were going in the opposite direction. Since moving, I’ve dealt with fear and anxiety daily. Finding a place to live, taking care of my health, going to new places, meeting new people every single day, taking on more responsibilities. Everything was new and so much still is. But, I never would have made it the first month out here let alone 12 if I had let them win. Also, CBD helps.

It seems that I can't stop talking about the people that I couldn’t have done this without. People who got me here and people who have been here for me since the first day. You know who you are. And, typing that alone has me crying because of how important that is to me. I know that I wouldn’t have lasted a month here otherwise.

Life isn't about what you have but WHO you have. And, who has YOU.

With that said- thank you- to everyone who has and continues to put up with my horrendous memory, my talent for never seeing any movies ever, my lack of personal transportation, my lack of culture, my medical baggage, my ability to cry any time, any where, and most importantly- my brain before coffee. Thank you for your patience when I need time and space because this journey for myself is taking a lot of my energy.

Words will never do my feelings justice. However, this all wasn't about me as much as it was about motivating at least one person to give themselves permission. To acknowledge that it's more than ok to speak and act on what you feel you deserve. You want it for a reason. Jump. Stay open. Say yes.

I cannot wait to share year TWO with you all. It’s already hurdling straight at me .

trainliketaylor@gmail.com