Oh, let me count the ways in which I have made many failed promises to myself since the beginning of the year.
January passed. That was the first.
Then March and April.
Suddenly, May, June, and July were quickly ruled out, and winter seemed to be approaching faster than I could chase an ice cream truck (not that I’d even run for ice cream).
That was it. The promise to myself that rang the loudest. I couldn’t stay another winter.
It was already two months since I’d quit my job for the push to find something that would light a fire in me again. But, Portland, as much as it has my heart, just isn’t the place for my career. Boston would soon be snow covered, too, not to mention it still felt like settling. I wouldn’t be staying for myself. If living my truth meant anything to me, then I couldn’t stay anyway. If setting an example, having a story, and speaking from my heart in regard to not settling and pursuing happiness was to be my legacy, then I knew what I had to do.
So, after a year of forcing everyone around me to listen as I hemmed and hawed, doubted, changed direction every other day and nearly gave up, I did the damn thing.
I picked what seemed to be the all too magical date which I had been eyeing for weeks. And I bought the damn ticket.
I never really left LA last June. I’ve thought about it every day. The sun. The kind people I met. The hiking. The beautiful flow of good energy and endless possibility.
How was it I’ve felt homesick for this place I’ve only visited one time? Physically, coming back to Maine only made me realize that I’m not meant to be here in this part of my life.
My gut.
My heart.
The universe.
I don’t know what to call it, but I genuinely feel the push and pull to go now. California is the next part of my journey, and I’m trusting it’ll be my answer to “what do I do now?”
Hopefully, I’ll know a little more after these next few days. That’s right. I leave in three days. And, I don’t have it all figured out. I’m not totally prepared as one who knows my anxious energy would assume I must be. Feeding into said energy and trying to be completely and utterly prepared for it all would snowball into paralyzing stress, and I’d never be able to get on that plane. Although it isn’t easy, I’m greatly loosening my grip on the reins of control to maintain a level of calm as I make the 3,000 mile jump and learn to fly as I go. But, how?
By believing in myself.
By trusting the process.
By recognizing that every step has a purpose.
And, most importantly, by remembering home will always be here in Maine if LA is really meant for vacationing.
If I come back, I’ve already accepted that there’s no shame. The shame is never giving it a try at all. Sitting at a desk or in rush hour traffic somewhere uninspiring and wondering what if.
I have to give it a go. Not just “try it,” but actively do the hard things and face the real fears to get what I want from this experience. There will be beauty in the risk, and the bigger the risk, the bigger the potential reward, right? I want big things for myself, so I’ve got to go where the risk is high and do what most people are afraid to do- take the chances.
Maybe my destiny is similar to that of Penny from the Big Bang Theory. Maybe I won’t exactly get my “big break,” but I won’t end up on a path not meant for me either. Penny ended up with a solid job in pharmaceuticals and is (or seems to be) content with a life that diverged from her vision. Either way, she moved to Cali from a small town, and she made it. Small town girl moves to big city makes for some of the best stories.
That’s where my mind has been going for some time now. To the stories I’ve heard about those who’ve chased big dreams against the odds and opinions of others. I’ve gone back and forth on how much to share leading up to the big moment. On IG. On the blog. In real life. I’ve pondered the whole “stay silent and let your success speak for itself” concept. But, if it wasn’t for watching along with the process as others similar to myself engage on social media as they pave their path of risk and face realities of change, then I might not believe it could be done. I wouldn’t. Not for someone with a chronic illness and high anxiety. Not for someone who’s never lived on their own. But I’ve seen it done.
In turn, my hopes are at least one other person will see me and say “I can do this, too.” So, I’m sharing and keeping it all as real as possible with a couple fun little projects already in the works (probably in the coming months as I’ll be a little busy during this one).
Speaking of keeping it all real, I still have an abundance of packing to do. My bedroom has resembled remnants of a natural disaster tearing through for weeks now. However, I have a few more words to share with you.
As one could expect, there have already been some tough goodbyes. This has been the hardest. But, my friends and family, I need you to put your hurt and sadness aside. As much as I insist on doing this entirely on my own, I do need one thing. One thing I never imagined I could ask.
I need your support. Your belief in me. Your words telling me that I’ve got this and reminding me of my “whys” on the days I’m scared, confused and lost. I know you’re accepting that I need to at least give this a try because I’ll never achieve the happiness I deserve until I do, so thank you.
Dreaming, wishing, wondering, waiting. I couldn’t do it anymore. I wasted enough borrowed time. Now, I’ve gotta go be my best self and give back whatever this world needs of me.
Before I crawl back into the landfill that my bedroom is at the moment, I want to share with you what I’m most excited about.
In-N-Out, apparently
“It’s sunny every day. Every goddamn day. Every goddamn day is sunny. Perfect.” – Helen Solloway
The T1D community and meet-ups
Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf
Runyon Canyon and all the dogs
Maybe famous people
The fitness community
Grocery Outlet and Bargain Market
Unknown adventure
I’m easy to please, yo.
Now, I’ll leave you with this stunning, unfiltered view of my soon to be home. I hope you’ll follow my journey across the country and will be inspired to go forth with your dreams.
trainliketaylor@gmail.com
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