Have you ever wondered how I began this journey? Why it’s so important to me to show others how to become the best version of themselves? Where my profound advice and words of wisdom originated?
If you follow me on nearly all social media platforms, then you’ve seen me post-workout, sweaty, smiling, flaunting muscles and eating salads like every other basic white girl with a Fitstagram. That word is stupid, by the way. I don’t post a lot about my goals, and I don’t share before and afters anymore. I’m not going to tell you to drink a nutrient-dense, chocolate milkshake for breakfast for a mere $100/ month, and I’m not going to suggest that the new workout of the month is for everyone. My intentions are geared toward sharing where I’m at and encouraging others to meet themselves in their present state as well. Being attuned to individual needs and challenges and to completely personalize one’s journey is the set-up to success.
Now, from following me, you’re probably aware that I’m a type one diabetic, and, at 24 (going on 80) years of life I can already write a novel about the challenges of this lifelong illness. It’s actually a goal of mine eventually. However, not one detail of these challenges is a complaint by far. Diabetes has been the longest and most powerful influence on my journey, and, although I was exactly one month away from the age of 10 when I was diagnosed, I will always see December 5th, 2003 as my beginning.
With that said, I hope to do truly remarkable things with this continuing culmination of life lessons, and I want to open up a little, creating a brief glimpse at my health and fitness journey. I want you, if you’re out there reading this and struggling right now to treat yourself better and/or wishing you could feel more comfortable in your own skin to trust me.
My other hope is that you’ll understand what this blog means to my purpose, what my intentions are, and how I got here- so anxious to help others help themselves. I hope you’ll get to know me, so you’ll realize what I write is real. My words always come from raw lessons and experience of which I have the utmost gratitude.
The Beginning
December 5th, 2003.
I had no idea what diabetes was. My only concern? Would I lose my hair? That’s it. However, with a blood sugar of over 600 mg/dL, I was very quickly propelled into an alternate lifestyle. One that would- and does to this day- separate me from everyone around me. Within the first few months, my maturity and level of responsibility grew leaps and bounds above my peers. At 10 years old, I was meeting with dieticians, learning about carb counting and how to use math in real life. I didn’t know it at the time, but my most important task of every day? Keeping myself alive for the next one.
Growing up, I would definitely consider myself an active kid, and I consider myself blessed for that. Always outside running around with the neighbors, riding my bike, creating dance routines on the front lawn until I was old (and brave) enough to take real dance classes at the local studio. However, stepping back just a few years before my diabetes diagnosis, I clearly recall being fairly self-conscious. One of my earliest memories of being in my first ever dance recital was the costume being our bathing suit. I refused to participate in the dress rehearsal because, as a 3rd grader, I didn’t feel comfortable in it. I’m not sure how I made it onto the stage every night, but I did. However, I didn’t take part in dance again until two years later.
Already, I was consciously aware of how I looked and how I felt about it. Although still active, I was never in sports until middle school field hockey. Looking back on those three years that I participated, I realize my distaste for running has always been present. Physical endurance is just not in my genes. Another attribute that depleted my self-esteem early on.
High School
2008-2012
The summer before I started my freshman year of high school was…something I’ll probably save for my novel. It’s fairly long and not completely fitting for the intentions of this post despite how significant it is to my journey. I can tell you that it was rough although I’m not sure how to describe how much I did not want to enter that school on the first day back nor any day following. To this day, I pray that remains to be the worst I ever feel about myself. That summer kicked off a few years of secretly struggling with diabetes burn out and destructive habits that I masterfully disguised as healthy ones.
In a desperate attempt to hone some level of self-esteem, I started working out probably about halfway through the summer. My first workout on my fitness journey was Walk Away the Pounds with Leslie Sansone. I knew all of it by heart and did it several times a day thinking that was all it would take. When the Wii was really becoming a thing, I used it for Zumba and Wii Fit which translated to daily punishment in the basement. Meanwhile, I had next to no clue about the balance of calories in and calories out. But wait! There was one thing I did know about food and health. Carbs. (A main concern for diabetics anyhow). Carbs were bad. I thought I could eat anything in any amount that wasn’t carbs (i.e. cheese, meat, vegetables) and exercise, and my clothes wouldn’t feel so tight. No carbs also meant no insulin which I quickly learned was the absolute enemy of weight loss. Thankfully (but not at all), I had control over that in the palm of my hand. It worked for the scale, but at an immeasurable cost.
It wasn’t until my junior year of high school that I felt like I was on an upswing. The diabetes burnout was still rearing its vengeful head, but I was wanting to try by focusing more on myself. On top of that, I was introduced to a solid role model who taught me about taking my power back.
Jillian Michaels.
On my birthday that year, I received The Biggest Loser challenge for Wii and became OBSESSED. I also got some of her equipment like resistance bands and exercise ball. She truly helped to shape my knowledge and does to this day. I found Jillian to be vulnerable and raw and relatable in ways that happily terrified me, and I connected instantly. I started to collect more of her books and DVDs. Completing her workouts made me feel like this insanely strong badass. Brave enough to pick up the dance class I had dropped in those tough years and to even try my hand at tennis.
Despite more nutrition knowledge, I still struggled with food fears and an all or nothing mentality. This was possibly around the time where I started keeping food logs detailing my frustrations and shaming myself. Fitness wise, I would go to tennis practice, come home and workout with Jill, and then go to dance. What I’d give for that energy these days. But, I was feeling really good, especially after climbing on the scale after a week-long trip in Disney to see a number I couldn’t believe. I checked several times to ensure this miracle before my eyes wasn’t my mind still caught in a fairy tale from the Magic Kingdom.
Now, senior year was where I began to recognize that this journey had meaning. It was guiding me somewhere which I interpreted to be the study of dietetics. Unlike many of my other classmates, I had a passion and a purpose. I already knew so much about (distorted views) on nutrition. I just couldn’t wait to graduate, move to a city and take on the world so that everyone could watch me become a dietician to the stars. The most requested health professional in Hollywood.
LOL. So cute.
Meanwhile, thinking I was this super health guru, I was still extremely appearance-focused, and the stress of senior year did a number on that aspect. It meant more attention. More stage time at my recital, senior photos, prom, parties, graduation itself. I refused to look back on all of those memories and cringe.
And, I don’t. Until I remember the worry and fear that plagued me for that whole year. Ya girl really needed a lesson in positive mental health practices.
College: Round One
2012-2014
Now, there’s no hiding it. I had some high hopes and dreams for college. It was that whole concept of starting over, meeting new people, making all of the friends and just simply not being known as the shy, quiet, heavier girl that preferred to hide away and AIM friends she’d never met (at the time) in real life.
Man, did that disappointment escalate very quietly after the first couple weeks. I’ll sum this up rather quickly by saying the only thing that saved me from near intolerable homesickness while living on campus that first year was the gym. I went almost every day. I took up running and signed up for my first Color Run 5k. This was most definitely the fittest I’ve ever been. I could actually run a mile without stopping. And then two. And then three and more. Often, while doing so, I would listen to Jillian’s podcasts on my iPod and absorb the knowledge like a sponge. However, I lived in my food logs and eventually on MyFitnessPal while eating less despite knowing better.
It wasn’t until my third semester, one semester away from graduating with an associate’s degree in dietetics, that I realized this was not my path. I was struggling with the information, not feeling like this profession was what I had hoped and dreamed, and remained heavily distracted by the food fears that still plagued me. I was in no place to help others if I couldn’t help myself first.
Thankfully, one day while working out to my favorite Jillian Michaels DVD in attempt to calm the frenzied and lost state I was in, a thought occurred. I realized that, in my entire journey so far, the fitness aspect was the part that brought me the most joy (when I wasn’t swearing at Jill or trying not to puke that is). With my highest level of confidence yet, I began to look up exercise science programs after vowing to complete my associate’s degree with one semester to go.
I was going to be the next Jillian Michaels.
College: Round Two
2014-2017
Here I was, hoping for yet another redo and feeling physically and mentally the best yet. Confident this was it. Exercise science was my place. By now, my blood sugars were in far better control, and my involvement in caring for myself had peaked. I’ll never forget the music to my ears when I was sitting in my favorite endocrinologist’s office for what was unknowingly our last time together. He said to me
You were this young, overweight girl who was struggling and that’s not you anymore.
Of course, I cried. I didn’t think anyone really saw all of my efforts for what they were. But, he always did.
Shortly into this next phase of life, I was sucked into the pyramid scheme known was Beachbody because I thought it would be a great way to use my knowledge while having some cash flow on the side. I’d tried several of their programs on YouTube recently and was in need of some accountability and variability. So, I dropped the dough on Shakeology (which I admit did some good) and completed one round of the 21 Day Fix program.
Unfortunately, by my second semester, I was already hitting the skids of academic burn out. I was still meeting the grades, because, despite knowing they weren’t all that mattered, I mentally couldn’t let it go. Personal health wise, I was also meeting new challenges with fatigue hitting me in the second year worst than it ever had before. It terrified me. It paralyzed me. It truly isolated me.
Suddenly, I could barely get out of bed let alone walk to my classes. Driving terrified me. I got lightheaded and always felt weak upon standing. Brain fog made even the simplest assignments exhausting and confusing, not to mention I couldn’t put together coherent thoughts or follow a conversation for very long. I had panic attacks over the thought that this was my life and all of my hard work and goals and physical abilities were gone. Doctors didn’t get it. Not a single clue came back among the numerous tests, and I felt like no one was taking me seriously.
It was so dark, and I felt like the rest of my time at that school was just me trying to survive from one day to the next. Disconnected. Uninterested. Afraid I’d never get back to becoming the health guru I imagined myself being. Through this, I am thankful for good friendships.
Now
2018
Ah, finally. My personal favorite!
Is it because I’m the fittest I’ve ever been? No. Is it because I’m eating the cleanest I ever have? No. It is because my diabetes is in the best control ever? Nah. It is because I’m happier than ever before? Maybe. But that’s because I’m a little more in balance with all of these aspects.
For instance, these days, I workout because I physically can. I love the physical and mental challenges when I’m having decent energy days. No scale. No goals to have the mind blowing abs or the biggest biceps. I eat pizza when I want it and french fries as much as I can. I don’t eat a goddamn salad if I don’t want a goddamn salad.
Sure, my cardio SUCKS right now, but not long ago I participated in an eight-hour dance fitness program certification, and I’m getting ready for a three-hour dance-a-thon to raise money for a wonderful cause. Two things I couldn’t even fathom during my chronic fatigue flare up. It still flares every once in a while with bouts of brain fog and random exhaustion, but I work my way through it each time with new tools.
My relationship with food is the best it’s ever been even if it’s still (and never will be) not the easiest to maintain. I’m more comfortable with my choices. my appearance and how I express myself. This relationship has made it far easier to control my diabetes since I’m not self-sabotaging and am taking my numbers seriously. Since receiving it less than a week ago, DEXCOM is tremendously improving my quality of life by motivating me out of a mini burnout phase.
Not to mention, I have the absolute best friends, squad, tribe, support system, sisters for life, etc that I could ever ask for. What an essential piece of positive mental health. I’ve traveled far and wide with them, and I know they’re always a text away despite the distance. This has changed my world completely and turned many years of loneliness worth these one in a million gems.
Without this journey, I’m not sure I would have gotten here. I’m not sure I’d be this person. I have absolutely no clue as to where and/or who I’d be, and I think that means I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. No. Not here at my kitchen table with no income applying for every online offer for paid surveys between moments of writer’s block. No. Definitely not here forever. It’s a step. Everything is a step or an obstacle down this path meant for constant travel. The intention is to keep moving, growing, learning, becoming.
Not everything is perfect, and I’m confident it never will be. With as much as life has taught me so far, I can’t wait to walk, dance, and anything else but run the journey ahead. Thank you for letting me share the good, the great, the difficult and the not always so wonderful with you. My hope is that you learn to use your hard times to fuel your best ones, too.
trainliketaylor@gmail.com
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